True Love Waits (for the ladies!)

~BarlowGirl - Average Girl~
So what I'm not your average girl
I don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring

No more dating
I'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me
No more dating
I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story

Boys are bad that's certainly not true
'Cause God's preparing one for you
If you get tired waiting till he comes
Gods arms are the perfect place to run

Sleep that's the only thing
For me 'cause when I sleep God's
Preparing one for me

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This is seriously like the theme song of my life! ;)

Throughout my life, I have struggled in this area soooo much. I have always been so needy and desperate to find "The One," "My Prince Charming," or even just someone who will like me and make me feel special (how pathetic is that!?!) I just wanted to feel special, so i was willing to accept any guy (just about) who would just pay attention to me or act like he was interested in me even the slightest bit. But i never actually told the guys that i liked them, although i never really had to because i was pretty much the worst EVER at hiding my crushes. And all of them just ended up being emotion roller coasters because none of the guys (whether they pretended to or not) actually liked me, so i was pretty much in a hopeless situation no matter what. But for years and years, crushes after crushes, after crushes, after crushes!!!! I would put myself through the mental and emotional stress of having crushes on guys that couldn't care less about me just because i wanted even the illusion that someone cared for me like that.

But i would say probably around my junior year of high school, i started a slow..very slow realization of my worth and my worth to God. Over the years God has been teaching me many lessons (whether i actually learned them immediately or not) about my worth and how precious i am. And I just want to share some of these truths with all of you girls out there who deal with these kind of self-esteem issues too, because i know you all do to some degree, whether you admit it or not!

1st Truth - You are more precious than gold! - God says you are all perfectly and wonderfully made! That means no matter how much you weigh, no matter how tall or short you are, no matter how nice of hair you have, how clear of a complexion you have, no matter what clothes you wear, no matter how well you do you make-up, no matter how other people (or even you) think of how you look...you are absolutely GORGEOUS in God's eyes!!!! And you need to hear that and receive it..truly receive it! Let it sink in. Go to a mirror if you have to, close your eyes pray for a few seconds and ask God to let him see yourself as He sees you and open your eyes and see what a radiant, beautiful creature of God you are.

2nd Truth - God's opinion is the ONLY one that matters!!! - I just got through telling you what God thinks of you, and now that you've received that and accepted it. You need to take all the things people say and think about you. That means girls you walk by in the hall that snicker and gossip when you walk by because your wearing last years sandals, the girls that may talk about non-flat your stomach is in the locker room and how they need to introduce you to mr. anorexia diet, or the guys that treat you like dirt because your not cool, pretty, or nearly slutty enough for them to give a second thought (or a first one for that matter), the boyfriend that doesn't quite treat you right but you over look that because hey at least he's willing to date you right??, or that parent that calls you ugly because they have a drinking or drug problem or maybe they are just have their own set of issues their projecting on you. All those people, all those thoughts, all those LIES, come from the pit of hell and their Satan's attempt to try and attack you, to bring you down, and steal away the beauty and the joy that God created you to radiate as a reflection of him. Let God's opinion of you overcome your entire perspective, kicks all those thoughts to the curb!!!

3rd Truth - YOUR man, THE man, the RIGHT man is out there waiting for you, don't waste your time with a bunch of losers - God is preparing for you right now, the perfect man for you, your prince charming, someone to sweep you off your feet, your mr. wright, "the one", however you want to look at it. God had him picked out for you at the beginning of time and he is the only one God ever intended you to be with emotional and especially physically in the context of a romantic relationship. And so all these guys that are "good guys", that "aren't that bad", that are so perfect except for these several imperfections, they are all nothing. Do you know what they are??? They are Satan's attempt to get you to settle for less than God's best. He is trying to steal away all those pieces of your heart that God had planned to be the glorious gift you would one day give to your future husband, and he wants to tear it to pieces. He wants to bring guy after guy into your life to take your heart and destroy it, kick it, punch it, maybe give it the chair a couple times. He wants to take that perfect, innocent, pure, clean heart and turn it into a beat up, bruised, scared, dirty, cold, hard, corrupted old piece of trash that no one would ever want. But God doesn't want that to happen to any of you! But even if it has, it doesn't matter, because the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses our hearts and makes us new again.

But if there was anything you need to remember from this is that your divinely appointed future husband is out there, and he is waiting for you with an incomparable anticipation; God created you for perfection, don't sell yourselves short, you are worth sooo much more than that. True love waits, so wait for him..he's waiting for you! =)

My brother's going into the Coast Guard

Well right now is kind of an ackward/happy time (at least for me) because my brother just left this mornig for Coast Guard boot camp that last for 8 weeks and it's the beginning of a new beginning for my brother, becuase he has gone through so much and he has put this family through so much that it's refreshing for this family (especially my mom) to know that one thing is going good and it seems that it is gonna be permanent. My brother has had a lot of problems though his life with my mom he has been in trouble more times then you can count and my mom has hope and prayed for him to somehow, someway find a way to get better. And so many time it seemed hopless and as though he was headed for the street to become a bum. And when he moved out of the house at 18 it seemed that's what was happening. He was living out the story of the Prodigle son but we didn't know yet how it was gonna end. But when he decided to come back this past Mother's day it was like the ultimate present for my mom, and as they had agreed when my brother left coming home ment going to the Coast Guard and my brother finally was willing to accept that and do it. But all his friends thought my mom was forcing this, even though Bryan told them otherwise (because it seemed like the kind of thing she would do). But finally the majority of his friends changed their mind and decided to encourage him (whitch was really what he needed because my brother was obsessed with making sure his friends were happy). And so then he turned a corner and was now excited to leave becaue he wanted to start anew and get on his way to college and a better life. But now that he's gone I'm feeling kind of depressed because him and his friends were the main source of excitement in this house and now that he's gone, his friends obviously are gone too and it's more boring and at least for me casue my other brother is 21 and has a life and can do whatever he wants whenever he wants pretty much. And I'm stuck here being able to do hardly anything. I'm happy for my brother but when he was around the excitement was brought to us but now I feel like I'm strapped down by the schedule paramaters of my parents not able to go out on my own chase down the excitement for myself. But hopefully I will be able to gain as much as possible the trust that I need to be able to attain some measure of the feeling of freedom.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~

Feelings drive me crazy

Right now I am just blah, because there's a guy I know who is just a friend but he is so amazingly wonderful and he has kinda become my best friend. And since the closest guy friend I've ever had it Im not as used to close guy friends as other girls are. Evertime I think about him I think back at what my Bible teacher once taught in class when he was teaching about marriage and what a good wife & husband look like. He said something to the affect of, just because he's your best friend doesn't mean you can't marry him because that's actually what you want. And obviously I am not talking about now but still he also said that most people get married a little bit after they graduate from highschool or college I don't remeber which. But still I just go over in my head all the time what kind of things that I would want in a husband and this guy fits the discription almost exactly. And also one factor that before I never thought would happen is that, he's not as cute on the outside as I had always thought my dream guy would be but when I think of every thing else about him and then I look at his face he looks absolutely gorgeous. I just can't imagine anyone else being more perfect for me. I also find that I can't get him out of my mind, Im always thinking about him and how wonderful he is, how right now we're just friends and that's all I want it to be right now but it could develop into so much more later and sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. He just makes me feel like I can take on the world, no matter how bad the situation seems or how many people reject me as long as I have him right there with me everything's gonna be ok. And I've never truly felt this way about any other guy before in my life. And although I'm too young for this but I think I've fallen in love. I don't no what to do, but I think I am, and I've never been happier. When every I even think about him it's like I don't have a care in the world and all my troubles just melt away. And he lives in another city that's hours away, so it's like that whole "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing kinda happening here; because I just know that if this relationship is really meant to be, if God really wants me to be with him then God will make it happen. Cause what God wants God gets.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~

Amazing!

Sometimes (especially as a girl) you can make you self go crazy with emotions. I like this guy as a friend and hopefully potenially as more than that ; ). But I have been temporarily unable to talk to him at all and this is driving me crazy cause all I can do is go every day just thinking about him and how amazing he is and how happy my/our life could be if we were together and how no matter how bad things seemed it happy days would never be too far away with the both of us working to gether. Because we balance each other out like perfectly and it's just to perfect to not be our future. And I am so just overflowed with emotions about him that I really want to tell him. And I know the perfect day but it's soo far away and I can't be completely out of contact with him for that long will go insane if i do. I really think I need him too because there are so many struggles i have in my life and I feel with him by my side all those struggles would no longer exist or at least be a breeze to get through. Now that I have met him and he's in my life there's no way I could image myself without him. And I'm soo filled with emotions I'm about to burst.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~

Singing is awesome

Sometimes (especially as a girl) you can make you self go crazy with emotions. I like this guy as a friend and hopefully potenially as more than that ; ). But I have been temporarily unable to talk to him at all and this is driving me crazy cause all I can do is go every day just thinking about him and how amazing he is and how happy my/our life could be if we were together and how no matter how bad things seemed it happy days would never be too far away with the both of us working to gether. Because we balance each other out like perfectly and it's just to perfect to not be our future. And I am so just overflowed with emotions about him that I really want to tell him. And I know the perfect day but it's soo far away and I can't be completely out of contact with him for that long will go insane if i do. I really think I need him too because there are so many struggles i have in my life and I feel with him by my side all those struggles would no longer exist or at least be a breeze to get through. Now that I have met him and he's in my life there's no way I could image myself without him. And I'm soo filled with emotions I'm about to burst.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~

Sometimes I make myself go crazy 80

Sometimes (especially as a girl) you can make you self go crazy with emotions. I like this guy as a friend and hopefully potenially as more than that ; ). But I have been temporarily unable to talk to him at all and this is driving me crazy cause all I can do is go every day just thinking about him and how amazing he is and how happy my/our life could be if we were together and how no matter how bad things seemed it happy days would never be too far away with the both of us working to gether. Because we balance each other out like perfectly and it's just to perfect to not be our future. And I am so just overflowed with emotions about him that I really want to tell him. And I know the perfect day but it's soo far away and I can't be completely out of contact with him for that long will go insane if i do. I really think I need him too because there are so many struggles i have in my life and I feel with him by my side all those struggles would no longer exist or at least be a breeze to get through. Now that I have met him and he's in my life there's no way I could image myself without him. And I'm soo filled with emotions I'm about to burst.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~

Writing saves me

If i didn't have the ability to write I don't know where i'd be right now. Maybe I would be dead, because i have never had any one in my life that i can talk to and vent all my emotions to (and believe me, i have ALOT) and thats a real problem for me because i really need that, badly. So i feel the only way that i can get out all these emotions that i have bottled up inside me is to write them out. And thankfully God has blessed me with this gift and talent and desire to write. And this has really helped me my whole life because i find that as i write out my emotions, then by the time i'm half way finished or by the time i'm done i just feel so much better and calmer, and its like i can actually breathe. It has really been a life saver for me. Because i have so many emotions and so many problems and things that could just get me so depressed and put me into a really dark place that writing is just a way that i'm able to get out all my "demons" in a sense. But when i do find someone i can talk to who is willing to listen to my constant problems and comfort me and stuff (which is really mainly what i need) it will definately surpass anything my writting could do for me. Because people can talk back to you and give you advice and comfort you and wrap their arms around you.

However, though it has taken me a long long time to really grasp this conept, God really can help you as well, when you are in those dark places. Because God's comfort and peace can surpass anything anyone or anything could ever do for you, because everyone in the world has a God-sized whole in their heart that only He can fill, and once i realized that, i was able to allow God to be that comforter to me. And so God was another major factor in my survival. My writing was just a path that would allow me to reach a state of saneness that i could really look at my situation and be calm enough and rational enough to go to God for help. And i just can't thank God enough for all he has done for me over the whole course of my life. He has brought me through so many tramatic and hard times in my life and brought me to be such a completely better person, now i still have a lot of growing left to do but i'm so much better than i was. And that has really been very valuble to me and i really do believe that God is going to use these experiences that i have had to go through and allow me to share my testimony with other people who have experienced similar things. Because God has a special plan for each and every person's life thats on this earth. It's just a matter of us becoming the person that God wants us to be to be able to reach that potential. And i just can wait to see what God is going to do with my life.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~