My brother's going into the Coast Guard

Well right now is kind of an ackward/happy time (at least for me) because my brother just left this mornig for Coast Guard boot camp that last for 8 weeks and it's the beginning of a new beginning for my brother, becuase he has gone through so much and he has put this family through so much that it's refreshing for this family (especially my mom) to know that one thing is going good and it seems that it is gonna be permanent. My brother has had a lot of problems though his life with my mom he has been in trouble more times then you can count and my mom has hope and prayed for him to somehow, someway find a way to get better. And so many time it seemed hopless and as though he was headed for the street to become a bum. And when he moved out of the house at 18 it seemed that's what was happening. He was living out the story of the Prodigle son but we didn't know yet how it was gonna end. But when he decided to come back this past Mother's day it was like the ultimate present for my mom, and as they had agreed when my brother left coming home ment going to the Coast Guard and my brother finally was willing to accept that and do it. But all his friends thought my mom was forcing this, even though Bryan told them otherwise (because it seemed like the kind of thing she would do). But finally the majority of his friends changed their mind and decided to encourage him (whitch was really what he needed because my brother was obsessed with making sure his friends were happy). And so then he turned a corner and was now excited to leave becaue he wanted to start anew and get on his way to college and a better life. But now that he's gone I'm feeling kind of depressed because him and his friends were the main source of excitement in this house and now that he's gone, his friends obviously are gone too and it's more boring and at least for me casue my other brother is 21 and has a life and can do whatever he wants whenever he wants pretty much. And I'm stuck here being able to do hardly anything. I'm happy for my brother but when he was around the excitement was brought to us but now I feel like I'm strapped down by the schedule paramaters of my parents not able to go out on my own chase down the excitement for myself. But hopefully I will be able to gain as much as possible the trust that I need to be able to attain some measure of the feeling of freedom.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~

Feelings drive me crazy

Right now I am just blah, because there's a guy I know who is just a friend but he is so amazingly wonderful and he has kinda become my best friend. And since the closest guy friend I've ever had it Im not as used to close guy friends as other girls are. Evertime I think about him I think back at what my Bible teacher once taught in class when he was teaching about marriage and what a good wife & husband look like. He said something to the affect of, just because he's your best friend doesn't mean you can't marry him because that's actually what you want. And obviously I am not talking about now but still he also said that most people get married a little bit after they graduate from highschool or college I don't remeber which. But still I just go over in my head all the time what kind of things that I would want in a husband and this guy fits the discription almost exactly. And also one factor that before I never thought would happen is that, he's not as cute on the outside as I had always thought my dream guy would be but when I think of every thing else about him and then I look at his face he looks absolutely gorgeous. I just can't imagine anyone else being more perfect for me. I also find that I can't get him out of my mind, Im always thinking about him and how wonderful he is, how right now we're just friends and that's all I want it to be right now but it could develop into so much more later and sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. He just makes me feel like I can take on the world, no matter how bad the situation seems or how many people reject me as long as I have him right there with me everything's gonna be ok. And I've never truly felt this way about any other guy before in my life. And although I'm too young for this but I think I've fallen in love. I don't no what to do, but I think I am, and I've never been happier. When every I even think about him it's like I don't have a care in the world and all my troubles just melt away. And he lives in another city that's hours away, so it's like that whole "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing kinda happening here; because I just know that if this relationship is really meant to be, if God really wants me to be with him then God will make it happen. Cause what God wants God gets.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~

Amazing!

Sometimes (especially as a girl) you can make you self go crazy with emotions. I like this guy as a friend and hopefully potenially as more than that ; ). But I have been temporarily unable to talk to him at all and this is driving me crazy cause all I can do is go every day just thinking about him and how amazing he is and how happy my/our life could be if we were together and how no matter how bad things seemed it happy days would never be too far away with the both of us working to gether. Because we balance each other out like perfectly and it's just to perfect to not be our future. And I am so just overflowed with emotions about him that I really want to tell him. And I know the perfect day but it's soo far away and I can't be completely out of contact with him for that long will go insane if i do. I really think I need him too because there are so many struggles i have in my life and I feel with him by my side all those struggles would no longer exist or at least be a breeze to get through. Now that I have met him and he's in my life there's no way I could image myself without him. And I'm soo filled with emotions I'm about to burst.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~

Singing is awesome

Sometimes (especially as a girl) you can make you self go crazy with emotions. I like this guy as a friend and hopefully potenially as more than that ; ). But I have been temporarily unable to talk to him at all and this is driving me crazy cause all I can do is go every day just thinking about him and how amazing he is and how happy my/our life could be if we were together and how no matter how bad things seemed it happy days would never be too far away with the both of us working to gether. Because we balance each other out like perfectly and it's just to perfect to not be our future. And I am so just overflowed with emotions about him that I really want to tell him. And I know the perfect day but it's soo far away and I can't be completely out of contact with him for that long will go insane if i do. I really think I need him too because there are so many struggles i have in my life and I feel with him by my side all those struggles would no longer exist or at least be a breeze to get through. Now that I have met him and he's in my life there's no way I could image myself without him. And I'm soo filled with emotions I'm about to burst.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~

Sometimes I make myself go crazy 80

Sometimes (especially as a girl) you can make you self go crazy with emotions. I like this guy as a friend and hopefully potenially as more than that ; ). But I have been temporarily unable to talk to him at all and this is driving me crazy cause all I can do is go every day just thinking about him and how amazing he is and how happy my/our life could be if we were together and how no matter how bad things seemed it happy days would never be too far away with the both of us working to gether. Because we balance each other out like perfectly and it's just to perfect to not be our future. And I am so just overflowed with emotions about him that I really want to tell him. And I know the perfect day but it's soo far away and I can't be completely out of contact with him for that long will go insane if i do. I really think I need him too because there are so many struggles i have in my life and I feel with him by my side all those struggles would no longer exist or at least be a breeze to get through. Now that I have met him and he's in my life there's no way I could image myself without him. And I'm soo filled with emotions I'm about to burst.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~

Writing saves me

If i didn't have the ability to write I don't know where i'd be right now. Maybe I would be dead, because i have never had any one in my life that i can talk to and vent all my emotions to (and believe me, i have ALOT) and thats a real problem for me because i really need that, badly. So i feel the only way that i can get out all these emotions that i have bottled up inside me is to write them out. And thankfully God has blessed me with this gift and talent and desire to write. And this has really helped me my whole life because i find that as i write out my emotions, then by the time i'm half way finished or by the time i'm done i just feel so much better and calmer, and its like i can actually breathe. It has really been a life saver for me. Because i have so many emotions and so many problems and things that could just get me so depressed and put me into a really dark place that writing is just a way that i'm able to get out all my "demons" in a sense. But when i do find someone i can talk to who is willing to listen to my constant problems and comfort me and stuff (which is really mainly what i need) it will definately surpass anything my writting could do for me. Because people can talk back to you and give you advice and comfort you and wrap their arms around you.

However, though it has taken me a long long time to really grasp this conept, God really can help you as well, when you are in those dark places. Because God's comfort and peace can surpass anything anyone or anything could ever do for you, because everyone in the world has a God-sized whole in their heart that only He can fill, and once i realized that, i was able to allow God to be that comforter to me. And so God was another major factor in my survival. My writing was just a path that would allow me to reach a state of saneness that i could really look at my situation and be calm enough and rational enough to go to God for help. And i just can't thank God enough for all he has done for me over the whole course of my life. He has brought me through so many tramatic and hard times in my life and brought me to be such a completely better person, now i still have a lot of growing left to do but i'm so much better than i was. And that has really been very valuble to me and i really do believe that God is going to use these experiences that i have had to go through and allow me to share my testimony with other people who have experienced similar things. Because God has a special plan for each and every person's life thats on this earth. It's just a matter of us becoming the person that God wants us to be to be able to reach that potential. And i just can wait to see what God is going to do with my life.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~

Love is a CRAZY thing!

Wow, love, it's a crazy thing, so unpredictable, so captivating, so addictive. I mean love is like a force that has the power of a hurricane. It's made many people do some crazy things, "Romeo and Juliet" is exhibit A. Sometimes when you think you've got it figured out, it turns a completely different direction. It's very tricky, sometimes it's very good at hiding it's self; you can't always see it unless you're really looking for it. And sometimes it's just right in front of face and we still can't see it. Sometimes we have it in our grasp and then we just throw it away not realizing what we really had until its gone. And then there are the times where it's with in our reach all we have to do is take it but only at the right time to be able to experience it's full potential. Because if we take it too soon then it will sabatoge the whole thing and if we take it too late, well then we're too late and we've missed our opportunity. And it's those times where people pick the right person at the right time and everything is perfect where you just want to take that moment, and make it last forever. But of course the whole relationship is not perfect, because that's how relationships truly grow, when their tested with trials and tribulations and if they come out of it together, then they also come out stronger and closer together, just further more reassured that their meant for each other.

For me I've taken myself on quite a few emotional roller coasters in my life time. Even if i've never met them, or talked to them, or told them how i feel. Being a girl i can get so emotionally entangled and obssesed with someone before anything even happens. And i create all these cenarios in my mind that fuel these rollercoasters, and it's not until i've gotten myself so my mad that i actually realize that it wasn't real to begin with. Although, there are still those very few times that I have encounterd something real. And when I say few I really mean few. As of right now there are only to people in my entire life that I have ever truly considered as husband material. Which for the most part is a good thing, because if you truly think there husband material then there really shouldn't be a million guys you would consider for that. Because really there is only one person in the whole world that people are completely compatible with. And when i say compatable I don't mean they are perfect in the sense that they totally balance each other out, so that there would be no conflict. Because conflict is healthy for a relationship as i have already stated. But completely compatable in the sense that they can go their entire lives and still love each other and still be together. Now there are cases where that is the case but becuase of the stupidity of the people they let things break that and they lose what could have and should have been a forever relationship, and they doom themselves to forever but subject to periodic relationships. Meaning relationships that will eventually fall apart.

But people really shouldn't make decisioins about love until they get a "go ahead" from the one person who knows exactly who and when we will marry. And of course i'm talking about God. God konws exactly who we're meant to be with and he knows the exact time we will be ready to be with him. And when that time comes we won't even realize it until it's already passed. Thats what is so amazing, because we don't even have to know, because God is the one who controls our lives (as long as we let him). If we choose to just relinquish control to God and, because of the fact that he knows it all and he knows whats best for us, give him complete control of our situation, then you know that your going to end up with the right person at the right time. It's impossible for that not to happen, if you do that. And i am just so excited for the future, excited to see what is going to happen because i know that when you are able to experience to it's full extent the plans that God has for you and your life then it is just so amazing that no words known to man can describe it.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

~MyEssence~